Bullet Train Dials The WOKEISM Back But Barely Cuts It

Gas prices were nuts at the start of the summer. Of course we were told that the elites in power could do nothing about it. Then, somehow magically they slightly lowered the astronomical costs and everyone applauded the move–even though gas is still well above what it was 2 years ago. (But don’t dare say the word inflation or recession)

Like gas prices, WOKEISM hasn’t really sat well with the general public. Sure it appeases the angry brats on Twitter, but they don’t really buy anything. They rave about shitty Marvel comics (which paint all white male characters black and gives them vaginas instead of actually creating original minority characters), but sales flop. They rave about equity in movies but no one wants to see flicks that bash us over the head with politics and calls everyone racist.

Mainstream media is inundated with more politics than sustenance. Because of this conservatives and moderates are so thirsty for something that doesn’t suck that they’re latching onto any movie which doesn’t preach and divide. But mediocrity does not equate to excellence.

Take Bullet Train for instance. My husband and I have been dying to see a movie. Everyone keeps raving about the Top Gun nostalgia porn garbage but I’m sick of rehashes, hate Tom Cruise, and the trailer alone shows another Mary Sue character who is, of course, going to compete with the men and I’m just not having it.

If we’re going to spend $15-$20 per person on movie tickets and then even more on popcorn and drinks it better be worth it. So we took a chance on Bullet Train. It was okay. It was kinda fun. I chuckled once or twice. Everything got wrapped up in a neat little package at the end.

I don’t regret seeing it, but I have no need to ever watch it again. It was mediocre. Which is great in today’s mundane movie climate (which is focused so much on politics that character development, plot, and ambiance all suffer).

The trailer was fun and the guys commenting on YouTube all swore it wasn’t WOKE trash. I guess we’ve had so much WOKEISM forced into everything that when it’s dialed back everyone cheers. Just like they did when gas went down a kerschmidgeon (even though it’s still painfully overpriced).

But dialing it back didn’t cut it for my husband. He spent a lot of the movie rolling his eyes. He grumbled at the surface level jokes and just isn’t a fan of low-hanging fruit. He DOES have high expectations. He’s a fan of Lynch and Kubrick. He likes Robert Eggers, really wanted Jordan Peele to be as good as everyone pretends he is, and is somewhat cool with all the John Singleton movies I dig.

But I have to agree, his exasperation is warranted. Brad Pitt’s character has no backstory and plays the “lovable idiot” (because heroic men can’t be strong, smart, and confident anymore). Sandra Bullock is an all-knowing strong independent “waman” who guides the lovable idiot to success because, of course, men can’t do anything without a woman’s guidance.~

This isn’t too bad. It’s kind of fun, but on top of it our hero is anti-gun. Although he has no problem violently harming people with virtually every other object, after of course, trying to talk things out with his attackers to display his mangina. Because in the real world THAT totally wouldn’t get you killed…

Our lovable idiot hero is emasculated and called Ladybug (something the movie tries to explain away but does poorly), while the evil young big tittied chick is called “The Prince,” and of course so much smarter than all the men. None of the women can be killed by the men through direct means, and are magically just as strong as them.

Russians are evil. How convenient in the current political climate.

Channing Tatum is a gay dude looking to have sex with pretty much any guy who walks by. Not… saying a word…about monekypox…

Our lovable idiot straight up apologizes for “mansplaining” to a chick who’s trying to kill him. It’s supposed to be funny but just made me sad for Brad Pitt. I can’t imagine being a straight white male in movies right now. The misandry and bigotry openly embraced against them is just grotesque.

And God is referred to as a woman. I mean I guess I’m glad God is mentioned at all, but I’m Pagan and this even made me roll my eyes. Like really? Kevin Smith did that in Dogma and it was great, but he’s turned into a dickless soyboy who hates on his own fans for not being WOKE enough so… yeah…no.

One character’s obsession over Thomas the Train is cute at first, but gets old and just becomes infantalizing. I get that there are tons of 30, 40, and 50 year old men who still idolize cartoon characters, and comic book heroes more than real life pillars of the community but it’s sad. Grown men could do so much more with themselves if they weren’t so busy being children (and encouraged to do so).

The fight scenes are interrupted by flash backs that make them less intense. I’m not a slow motion fan, I want to see Bruce Lee styles again. I like real time hits and knockouts. It felt like most of the fight scenes were toned down so as not to overexcite the trigger warning crowd.

The movie was obviously sponsored by Fiji water. I really didn’t need to see life through a water bottle’s perspective but when you replace humor with surface-level wit, gimmicks like that are common. It was alright. There was enough to keep me watching. But the rave reviews from conservatives and moderates who were just glad that the cast didn’t focus on race, gender identity, and political policies overreached just a bit.

When compared to modern movies, Bullet Train is a gem. But that’s not saying much. Comparing it to movies in decades past it’s just okay. Fun for a while. It could have been 30 minutes shorter and did just as good of a job, if not better.

But that’s just my take.

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