I pushed through the Tough Mudder yesterday, did every obstacle and have the cuts and bruises to show it. The only disappointment was that the course was only 10 miles as opposed to the 11 or 12 I had been told it was. But by that last mile I was pretty glad.
Today I feel like a bruised banana. But it was worth it.
How my body feels right now is how dented I feel inside from writing. The sense of accomplishment and the desire to keep going is part of that. But getting through writing something that really digs into your thoughts and beliefs cuts you, tears you up at times. And when you’re done you get a brief reprieve. Get to stand tall and feel good about getting through it.
But then it’s time to submit to publishers and beat yourself up some more.
Sounds like hell.
Why the fuck would anyone want to do it?
Because it’s worth it. I do it again and again. While I was running through the shivers brought on from swimming in a pool of ice water and hoping out to meet a most unforgiving breeze, I tried not to think about the immediate discomfort. When I’m getting rejected or my work is being edited to hell I try not to think about the immediate pain of it.
Writing is a long game.
It’s like raising children. It’s like long distance obstacle courses. Writing is an allegory for everything. For life.
If you really love it, if you really care, you’ll let you’ll let it kill you eventually. (Hopefully a nice slow death) But in the best way. Life kills us.
I’m the weirdo who looks at death as another challenge. Just like anything else. I’m actually kind of excited to find out how I die. Like when I get to that moment I want to be like, “Oh, so this is how the hand plays out.”
I write to live, and I write to die. It is life. I don’t know if my works will stand through time. (Probably not) But what I have accomplished is all that matters to me. We’ll be forgotten eventually, but the energies we give off while we’re here are everywhere.
I still fee them from the many people I’ve known who have already left this existence. So the aftermath seems promising.